Long overdue and kind of a downer. Enjoy!

Surgery was about 13 weeks ago, but don’t worry, it only feels like 12.5 weeks.  My first follow up visit went well (things are fusing and there’s tons of metal in my neck) and while I’m still somewhat restricted, I’m technically able to increase my activity level as I’m comfortable and will go back to see the surgeon again on October 10th and hopefully will be all cleared for real life after that. In theory… The surgical pain is manageable and while I think it helped with the nerve pain in my head, it’s still too early to know for sure how well it worked.  Structurally, my neck is a completely different machine now and it’s helped with some of my chronic neck and shoulder issues, so yay.

I’m actually facing two greater challenges right now. The first is Fibromyalgia. It’s too much to go into, but it makes you sore and tired and confused and miserable basically all the time. IT IS DEBILITATING.  It’s a frustrating diagnosis because there’s no cure and most of the meds that help could help are ones I’ve reacted to very negatively in the past. I encourage you to visit this site if you’d like to learn more because I literally can’t right describe it right now but will probably write about it more soon.

This is the harder one… I’ve been open about my struggles with my anxiety disorder and depression and that things have been worse lately. I am safe and have no thoughts of self harm, but I’m not okay. I found a local therapist who takes my insurance and I’m going to see her weekly. We did a bunch of tests (of course) to help pin things down, and besides being having major anxiety and serious depressive symptoms, I’ve been officially diagnosed with PTSD. It goes back to childhood and that’s as much as I’ll be sharing about the cause. On a scale where 30 means someone has the disorder, I scored a 77, so at least I still test well. I don’t know if I’ll ever elaborate on the details too much, but I believe it’s as important to acknowledge this health challenge as it is to talk about my neck. It’s not my fault anymore than it is that I have arthritis. It explains a lot of things about me, but it’s painful and terrifying and I don’t want it to deal with it, but I will. I have a team of providers and we have a solid treatment plan, hopefully. The panic, flashbacks, and sleepless nights are definitely making my other physical symptoms worse, but that’s normal right now, apparently. I always knew normal was overrated.

I’m going to do the work to become my healthiest self but it feels daunting and impossible and I’m so damn tired. I’m trying to stay busy with my loved ones, funny television shows, my cat, some knitting, and lots of music, but these days feel endless and the nights are pretty sucky too. I’m constantly overwhelmed.

I have about 50 messages from people asking how they can help and I hope to get to them soon, but in the meantime… Cooking is really hard for me, so assembled meals (even sandwiches) would be helpful, as would rides for the girls most Wednesdays. (Private message if you want to help with these things.) As requested by some, here are my GoFundMe Link and my Amazon List. That Amazon list is probably pure chaos but it’s all things that would potentially help my pain or entertain me. Future cash donations will help me get some repairs done on my poor little car to get it winter ready and the rest will be saved for future “mini-emergency” needs. This fund has SAVED me so much stress already because being able to get the things I need without worrying if it’s my last $20 is a gift you can’t appreciate if you haven’t been there. My most basic needs are covered because my partner is working his ass off, but it turns out being chronically physically and mentally ill is expensive and not being able to contribute isn’t a great feeling.

One last thing: I know how many people care for me, and I promise, it gets me through many days when I feel so tired and alone. Often when people care, they offer medical advice and alternative remedies. I want to assure you that I’ve researched relentlessly, and with my doctors, have tried just about anything that can be found on the Internet. And as far as things like massage, acupuncture, supplements, yoga, or other super awesome things which are recommended for Fibromyalgia and even PTSD and would probably help, if my insurance doesn’t cover it, I cannot get the treatment, PERIOD. It frustrates me and seems a million kinds of wrong, but I don’t have the energy to rage about it. So while I want your notes of support and goofy little gifts and pictures of your pets and kids and such, I would be very grateful to not receive advice for treatments I cannot afford. I know many people share this reality and it makes my heart hurt and I really really hope positive change is on its way for chronically ill, disabled, and just regular people who are struggling to get by, but right now, your love is enough.

I’m not even gonna read this because I may not hit publish, so if there’s edits to be made, I’ll attack them in the morning. Send happy photos. Thank you all. Love to all.