I’ve been sleeping even less these days which gives me even more time to think. In no particular order, here are a few of those thoughts…
I’m thankful for understanding friends. I think it’s as hard to be a friend to a person who’s forever sick and hurting as it is for the sick person to try to be a friend. I have dozens of unanswered messages in my inbox, yet most people don’t get pissed off about my lack of responsiveness. I’m so tired that a phone conversation can wear me out, so I’ve hardly talked to anyone on the phone in months. I’ve done my best to keep up, but I’m fully aware that I haven’t been able to be the friend my friends deserve lately. So instead of feeling guilty about it (because I don’t because it’s not my fault) I feel grateful to those who are sticking it out with me.
I’m so uncertain about recovery and life AFTER recovery. It’s been SEVEN YEARS. I had to give up one business and drastically cut back my other work. I’ve turned down so many opportunities and clients that I can’t even remember them all. I miss my volunteer work a lot, too. Things have changed in so many ways and while I know I should be focused on healing, I’m curious and more than a little anxious about what I’ll be able to do in the coming months and years. I know my value isn’t about how much money I make, but when you earn almost nothing and survive thanks solely to lucky breaks and kind friends, it’s hard to not feel like a burden. I also don’t think my future lies in social media work, so… I guess I just have to wait and see. I know things will work out, but I wish I had a bit more clarity about this aspect of my life.
Going back to my therapist in Plover was a wise choice. Of course, I was at the point of being almost non-functional due to my mental illnesses and something had to give, but the relief I’ve found in the past three weeks has helped me get to a better place. After more than 20 years of therapy, I have the knowledge and tools to cope, but the combination of my health issues, the political climate, and too much death in my circle of friends made it impossible for me to USE those tools. I have much work left to do, but with the ability to do counseling with Anna via Skype as I recover, I know I won’t slip back into the despair and anxiety that was consuming me. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid of therapy, and don’t be afraid to find the RIGHT therapist. It’s not always easy and I’ve walked away from more than one of them, but it’s totally worth the effort when you find someone who can help you heal and grow.
I’ve got my little corner of the living room set up now.
Look at the awesome chair I was able to get THANKS TO MANY OF YOU! It’s electric and has a USB port and soft upholstery, so it’s basically nicer than my car. It’s the first new piece of living room furniture I’ve ever owned. Also pictured: ROOM DARKENING CURTAINS! My living room can now become a dark quiet cave which is pretty much living the dream for someone like me.
Now to TRY to address the million dollar question: How can you help me?
- Stay in touch, even if I don’t respond right away.
- Send funny stories, memes, songs, or whatevs. I don’t watch tons of videos, but that may change…
- Visit me. I’m in Merrill. For the first few weeks, I may only be up for short visits, but hugs and conversation are always appreciated. Mom-level help with some chores would put my mind at ease, too.
- Bring me a meal. If you’re in Point and can’t make it here, dropping something at their dad’s house would be a possibility. I have some aversions and restrictions and will try to get that posted sometime, but comfort food, pre-cut fresh fruits and veggies, dark chocolate with salted caramel, and sandwiches are always pretty safe bets. I’ll be doing a lot of cereal, cheese, and potatoes, so anything different will help, especially when the kids are here.
- Help getting my girls from Point to Merrill (usually on Wednesdays) would be awesome.
- If you like to shop or would like to contribute financially, it’s still appreciated and needed. The wish list has more luxury items now, but there are still a few necessities I could use.
This took me two days to write and now it’s time to pack for the hospital. I’ll be at Aspirus Wausau Hospital at 9am tomorrow and surgery is scheduled for 11:30am. We’ll let you know how it goes as soon as we can. I’ll accept any good vibes, good luck, healing energy, and prayers you wish to send my way. I’m ready for this and can’t wait to see my life improve with my kickass metal-infused neck of greatness. Internal bling is my kind of thing.
Love to all.
xoxo